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Divorce- Broken Love

Updated: Sep 23, 2021

Divorce can be a nasty ugly painful word. In fact, divorce is almost a death sentence. I did some research on the divorce industry it’s well over a 50 billion dollar business. How often do you turn on the television and hear about these high profile people getting married and 2 – 3 years later, they are lining up for divorce court. They accumulated millions of dollars and are now at the state of dividing their estate and the fight gets downright bloody, nasty and evil. The attorneys sit in the middle of the war acting like mediators but really could care less, they are in position to capitalize off your pain points.

The media airs the gist of all your dirty laundry publicly when you are already hurting. I went through a divorce and I can assure you, it’s not walk in the park. Divorce is almost like dying a slow death before you divide any financial assets. When you get married vows are spoken, “FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE, FOR RICHER FOR POORER UNTIL DEATH DO US PART”. We think the death part is when we take our last breaths here on earth. Sometimes you can love someone so much until it’s sucking the life out of you. Everything you put forth is literally being disintegrated into particles of nothingness. This is the stage when you are losing all recollection of the true essence of who you are and were prior to the relationship. The pain strikes so hard that the disconnection of communication, the emotional withdraw to keep fighting for something that you know will never change can leave you hopeless. So, when you reach this stage when everything you have tried has failed, and you do your best to talk, but it turns into a warzone, you decide to just die. Divorce is more than voiding a contractual agreement, spiritual arrangement or classified union. It is the point of severing a part of you that you gave full and complete trust. A part where you were completely vulnerable in bearing your soul, your full complete self to another person. Now you stand here gazing at each other like strangers not knowing who the person you vowed to love with everything.

Regardless of “WHY” you are divorcing, it all goes back to the beginning of who YOU WERE when you said I DO. I’m guilty of passing all the blame on my ex but then I had to dive into the essence of who I was to see why I chose him in the first place. Being in the heat of the fire, no one sees themselves clearly, they only see what hurts them. Even after the divorce, fewer people seek out life coaches. According to there will be a decline due to a drop in disposable income. In 2019, it was estimated to net $15 billion. Although 15 billion is a good number you would think it would be at least half of the divorce industry. We hear about all the negativity that divorce causes including destroying our children’s lives and hearts. Making the decision to divorce in some cases could actually save them, but the overwhelming feeling of guilt is so impactful that some remain until death do them part. I believe the interpretation of “till death do us part”, has been limited to the physical act of dying – being buried into the ground.

Negating the fact that marriage is a spiritual commitment coupled with a natural action of binding two individuals together, would imply death could also be spiritual. The one that makes you say why didn’t your marriage make it or why did you choose the wrong person. The sad truth is-- it was your OWN fault. Acknowledging ownership of our decision is the first step in healing. If you were whole and unbroken before saying I DO, could it be possible you would have remained single. The pressure of society, family, friends, and loved ones project images in our minds to compel us to want to be the same. Some people put on fake masks when they know they are one step away from killing each other or literally hating each other. Do you make the decision, to remain for financial reasons, it’s complicated, it’s this or it’s that. Why not humble ourselves and be completely honest to see if there is anything worth salvaging. It’s a fight to the end to love the unlovable parts of someone and for them to love you back in that same way. Someone mentioned why would you take advice from someone who has failed at marriage about what good relationships should model or how can you talk about love. What makes you an expert on this subject matter, and I’m going to respond. I know what it means to love someone until you just can’t anymore. I know what it’s like to pour your heart and soul into a man that refuses to change, he is abusive, he cheats, he did all kinds of horrible things that I just don’t care to mention. I know what it’s like to walk away and then come back to see if there is anything worth saving. I know what it’s like to carry those scars for nearly a decade or two after and find myself looking for love in dead places. I know what it’s like to forgive time and time again trying to work it out and find that little flicker of light convincing you there is something still good. I know what it’s like to be rejected taken advantage of but still somehow believe in the magic of love.

A friend of mine recently went through a divorce, she asked me how do I do it. How do I get up, walk alone and still find myself in happy places. At first, I really thought I was happy until I dug down deeply and began to see all the levels of trauma I’ve carried on my journey. If you are going through a divorce, I challenge you to embrace your pain. Do not find yourself running away from it or self medicating with other toxic sources. I’m not going to say find a friend, because these are the times your gates are open and you can be seen as prey. I wrote this blog to help someone else navigate through these crippling times in life. If you can’t write, use your phone and record how you feel. In my opinion, this is a great resource that allows you to release pain without the judgement of others. You have the option to delete your messages or save them to reflect at a later date and celebrate you survived. By offering up celebratory moments, you can combat the weight of depression and failure. These acknowledgements provide you with factual data of your strength, courage and will, to rebound into rebuilding your life. In the pain, I challenge you to find yourself. Be courageous enough to allow all the issues of your life to surface. This may be too overwhelming causing you to retreat in the opposite direction, but remember you’re already standing on the other side of what you’ve been through. Admit that you want to give up, but acknowledge that you’re still here.

My daughter was five years old when she overheard her parents arguing and stood up and declared in her little loud voice, “After the rain, God sends a rainbow”. Her saying this in the midst of our heated argument gave revelatory confirmation to “out of the mouths of babes”. In this moment, I truly believe she was ministering to her parents that storms come in our lives, but God always sends hope in some shape or form. Embrace your pain because many times it’s directly attached to your life’s purpose. As you walk through the journey of healing take time for little celebrations. Every little thing counts and matters. I happen to believe there is something good in every person— which is a strength and a weakness. Good may not be their best trait, but there is something there. Relieve not only the failures of the relationship, but also the successes.

The money is always at the forefront of divorce. Unless you have a prenuptial agreement, the money is an issue that can drag your divorce out for years. I created a resource to help lighten the load for all the questions you didn’t know you would one day have to answer. If you need to sell your home, you don’t understand where to look or who to trust. You may need advice when your attorney can’t give you any. Unless you have a great relationship with your attorney, they are there to do a job. You maybe full of emotional passions surrounded around the circumstances but they are simply to file the necessary documentation at a substantial price on your behalf.

If you’re not in a position where you can afford an adequate attorney coupled with domestic altercation, and potentially facing some falsified charges, where do you turn. You are now subjected to becoming a statistic which essentially threatens your economic earning power potential. Without a doubt, a criminal record can result in job loss and trickles over into the ability to raise your children. You just need some advice because your world is literally falling apart. Rebuild Me I need help! You didn’t even want the divorce but you can’t speak to them because of the falsified charges, your child has lost contact with you.

You’re worried if your kids are going to side with the other party and end up hating you. Finding out your spouse was cheating, you know you’re children are spending time with the other party. You’re on edge, you can’t do anything and every time you call your attorney you’re hit with another invoice charge. Rebuilding yourself is never an easy job or process, it takes a solid commitment to heal, to reinvent yourself, to challenge yourself to grow, to change your mindset and to shift from the negativity and toxic environment into finding your True Image.

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