Abusive- Love

Covid-19 posed many challenges on relationships because couples were forced to be confined in one location either together or apart. As the effects of Covid-19 began to unravel, domestic abuse cases across the country increased exponentially. I wanted to get a better understanding of how we define abuse. It is defined as the actions of another individual that causes us harm or distress. It has the capacity to take on many forms ranging from disrespect, to the literally impact of physical or mental pain. The perpetuator is essentially someone that is taking advantage of a special relationship. What are some of the key components to identifying abuse? First you can begin by breaking it down into categories of physical, sexual, psychological, verbal, emotional and mental, financial and spiritual. The most obvious form of abuse would be the types that are manifested physically such as sexual, physical, and verbal. It is critical for the individual who is suffering the abuse to attempt to hold onto their inward beliefs of their own strengths and who they were before the relationship commenced. What I’ve discovered is isolation and seclusion are direct forms of manipulation that cause the victim to detach from any outside influences. The abuser uses this strategy to convince their victim to believe there is something wrong with them because no one wants to be around them. During these times, it’s critical to attempt to remain grounded and take full ownership of the person you know you are. It takes an incredible amount of courage, tenacity, strength and relentless determination to escape the traps of your abuser.

The most important asset to cling to during this tribulation is faith in God that you will and can make it through it, out of it, and change it. The Power lies within You! The ultimate power that you can give to your victimizer is your FEAR! If they ever discover that you are afraid they will continue to increase their bullying and acts of violence against you in worse ways. You gain leverage by discovering new levels of mental strength that you possess. The act of believing is a pathway to liberty that gains momentum as you alter your mindset. Courage is so underestimated at times because we fear what’s on the other side of the problem. A possible helpful strategy may be observing the patterns of their actions before and after an argument. Consider any possible triggers related to your display of any self confidence, which could be as simple as putting on makeup. In addition, you may experience increased demands on completing tasks, working, cleaning, cooking, etc. Understand that it’s NOT what you do, how you do it, or when you do it--- it’s THEM! Accept that you are not the brunt of their neurological deficiency.

Manipulation is a power that they have mastered and unraveling this in your mind is critical to strategizing your escape. You have to learn how to manipulate them in reverse. Acknowledge that they have narcissistic traits that never render them to be wrong or in error. Whatever they say must be the golden rule of the house and you have very little or even NO contribution other than taking care of their needs. They can make demands on you concerning your outward appearance when they look a hot wretched mess themselves. If this is the case, please take a moment and realize this is an area of weakness they possess. The areas in which they attack you, are in fact, the areas they may have substantial lack and competence. KNOW WHO YOU ARE! Often, the victim has endured so much oppression until they have low self esteem, no longer believe they can function without them, are financially devastated, emotionally distraught and spiritually disconnected. Their goal is to make you feel like nothing!

You overcome all of this by reflecting inwardly and realizing that if you are still standing---- You are STRONG!

Begin with that strength and shift your mindset that if you survived all those grueling years of oppression, you have the strength to get out, stay out, and build whatever life you can dream of. Sometimes the biggest battles in our lives are pathways to the greatest triumphs. There will be days of shedding many tears, it won’t be an easy climb but the benefits at the top of the mountain are you’re FREEDOM and another chance at life to BECOME BETTER NOT BITTER! I wanted to start this blog in hopes of reaching women that have gone through the vicious cycles of abuse trying to raise children and take care of everyone except themselves. As you sit and think about this statement, when was the last time you did something nice for yourself. Having no money is not an excuse, it could mean just sitting and having a cup of tea reading, painting, journaling, or just clearing your mind in a long hot bath. Psychologically, you must begin by shifting your mindset from all of the negativity and look back and find something positive to cling onto.

You might say there is nothing—but I employ you to dig deeper because you can find something within yourself that is worthy of fighting for— YOU! You’re worth fighting for!

Rome wasn’t built in one day so incorporate a belief that healing occurs over time with your dedicated investment in the process. Being in love with someone that can’t ever seem to return your love has the innate power to utterly destroy you. Because you are constantly accommodating their needs, trying to be everything they demand you to be, and walking the fine line of perfection is crippling your own personal growth and development. I’ve transformed my thinking into identifying at minimum one to three positives that I can gain from a negative situation. First in my mind, I believe without doubt that all things are working for my good. In other words, I begin to unravel the issues deep within myself to discover the root causes of why I’ve tolerated this negative behavior without establishing proper boundaries.

Although, we can not change or control the actions of an individual, we do have the power to influence by our responses to the negativity. One of the essential components of combat is confrontation. I don’t subscribe to the notion that you should always be silent and never speak your peace but in some instances it can be the most effective tool in your toolbox. Responding to someone that is limited with the capacity to comprehend may potentially insight heightened levels of abuse activity. It is therefore, imperative that you master the art of strategy. Think of the relationship like a chess board, if you understand the rules of the game, you own the power of knowing the Queen moves in all directions on the board. This specifies that in every direction you move--- there is an opportunity to win! You must be careful not to be setup by the other pieces on the board, but fully embrace your power status.

I can speak from personal encounters of suffering abuse on all the above mentioned categories. I’ve overcome the erroneous behaviors of others by remaining deeply grounded in my faith in God. I also managed to retain a great deal of patience sitting back and observing the vicious patterns of my perpetrator. I hope that by reading my blog, you realize you’re not alone and you are valued.